Thursday, June 5, 2008

Done

If you come to this site to laugh and be entertained, you should leave now. There is nothing amusing in this post.

Today I had my sixth negative pregnancy test in as many months of fertility treatments. We have been trying for over two years for a child, the last six months with the help of a fertility clinic, and I am done. Done with the pills, done with the needles, done with the hope that I feel every month and the subsequent crushing disappointment when the nurse once again tells me, "I'm sorry; your results were negative."

And now that I'm done with the fertility treatments, it's time to really face the fact that we might never have children of our own. And I'm . . . not really okay with that. I have failed at the most basic biological imperative. I feel like I've been stamped with a big "rejected" by nature, declared unfit to pass on my genes. And so I'm sad, of course, grieving for the child it looks like we may never have, but I'm also very, very angry. This is a very big thing, a very bad thing, and I just don't really know how to deal with it.

Of course, I will deal with it. I'm not an emotionally fragile person generally and I can handle this. But for right now, it just fucking sucks.

I'm a very private person for the most part, and it seems a bit odd to be announcing something so very personal and painful on such a public forum. But I'm only going to talk about this once, here, and the relatively impersonal nature of the Internet allows me to avoid the inevitable uncomfortable encounters with people when they find out and seek to say something comforting.

So if you know me in real life, please do not mention this next time we meet. Any sympathy will result in either me saying something like, "Oh, it's okay," when it's not, or me crying. And I don't do public crying. So please, say what you want to say here, and then leave it alone.

I will probably regret hitting "publish" on this post, but this blog is about my life, and that's not always amusing and happy. Sometimes it's sad and disappointing, and now is most definitely one of those times.

17 comments:

Normally a lurker said...

Two things, then I'll be quiet.

1) Today's inspirational post on my desktop: Realize that your prayers are being most wonderfully answered in a way that seems painful, but is the only way.

2) My sister-in-law and husband adopted 2 children after trying to have children for 11 years. 3 years after that? Bingo. Two more pregnancies, 4 kids total. She says she looks back and realizes she was soooo not where she is now, and now feels like the best time for those babies.

Who knows?
I wish you peace.

YD's a little bit of everything place said...

Thank you for sharing with us your pain, your anger, your frastration and whatever else...I am sorry that you and your husband have to go through this and I do hope that you'll find a way to deal with it.
My thoughts are with you.

Anonymous said...

Kristin: I am normally a lurker too, but I am also the MiL's old friend in Minnesota. I am so, so sorry that you have had this experience and disappointment. There isn't any good way to look at it at this moment, I expect. And, so as an "honorary member of the family," as the MiL has called me, I offer my sympathy to you and to A.

Drew Kime said...

So sorry to hear this, Kristin. If we should ever meet, when I don't ask about this, that's when I'll be wishing you good things.

paraizal said...

When God shuts one door,He always,soon or later opens a window...Please do not give up HOPE,you are young, love from a friend who lives to far way and had the some problem.Love from Portugal.

SaraPMcC said...

I'm so sorry, Kristin. There are no words I can add (not being a very comforting person, and not that any words could possibly be comforting anyway), so I'll just agree with you: This fucking sucks.

tu mere said...

I've got to start reading your blog before I call.

Being the Polly Anna y'all have always called me, I'm going to be less negative about your future. From what I understand, your body has changed just a bit for the better, and there are just too many stories about pregnancies out of the blue to totally discount future possibilities - especially with your age.

However, right now, I desperately wish there was a magic button I could push to make everything all better. Since that didn't exist when you were growing up, it's obviously still not possible.

My hope has always been that you'd somehow never have to experience any pain in life. Unrealistic, yes; a part of motherly love, a given. Life really does suck some time! Wish I could be there, even though I know you'll survive and A is there for you.

OK, mums the word from here on out.

mil said...

A hard day. Bodies do get out of ajustment; A's aunt had an out-of-adjustment body for a while, and then she had the boy who was supposed to be born two or three years earlier. Knowing A. and Kristin, if a baby comes, it will come when IT is ready, and not when other people think is a good time. Remember A.'s first sentence: "Don't want to."

Ms Picket To You said...

sweet funny country girl,

i'm sorry. i've been there and i empathize with the pain and anger and exhaustion which you so eloquently write about it. i wish there was something bigger than words.

have no regrets for this. it was beautiful.

darcy

cndymkr / jean said...

I don't know you and I'm not even sure how I found your blog. I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer you. It sucks and I'm sorry. But don't regret publishing this post. You need somewhere to just vent.

Kristin said...

Thank you.

jiveturkey said...

I'm so sorry. Fertility problems are one of the cruelest things life can throw at you. And then you see stories on the news about the mother who leaves her toddlers at home alone while she goes to bars and...GAH. So unfair. I watched my sister go through 3 years of fertility treatments/procedures to no avail.*

*She's 15 weeks pregnant right now. COMPLETELY unplanned and by total accident, 2+ years after she stopped all treatments, needles & pills. Who knew? Sending you positive thoughts.

The Constant C said...

Ugh. I'm sorry. Like sarapmccc (vegetarian mind meld?)--I don't really know what to say that would be comforting, other than yes, this does really suck.

Of course I hope you don't permanently lose hope, and I hope you do get pregnant eventually. But there's also a time and place to feel despondent--don't "buck up" for anyone's sake but your own. Our friends who have gone through adoption processes have talked about the time it took to exhaust and grieve their other possibilities, and I think that is important work.

Oi. Okay, when we see you next, mum's the word.

Krysta said...

First of all, YOU ARE NOT A REJECT! Seriously don't let those words come out of your mouth again. I wouldn't want to fly over there and kick your ass. I'm a mean ass whiny bitch in the heat also, so we'd have a really good cat fight. Look I won't tell you that it's okay, because it won't be, not for a long time. Kids are a long process, making them and raising them, please remember that and they always come about when you least expect it.

plot_thickens said...

We have one of those "Couldn't get pregnant, couldn't get pregnant, couldn't get pregnant, TWINS, thought were sterile so adopted one, TWINS AGAIN" friends, as well.

Whatever. Your story is the one that matters.

And the 'reject' thing? That's crap. Don't take crap from anyone, that includes yourself.

***HUG***

QuiltedSimple said...

I just found your blog yesterday, and am working backwards through your 2008 posts. I'm so sorry that you have gone through this!!!! I'll be thinking of you
Kris

Anonymous said...

Hello, I am (have been) a lurker as well. Started reading from present day and currently on 03/24/11...but then today started from the beginning. Never have commented, and yes I have been temtped, until this post. Made me cry...only because I know you will be blessed, TWICE!

*Love the blog, my morning coffee.
Reader from Texas