Childbirth class number three last night. Also explicit birth video number three that I did not watch, because I am Uncooperative.
However, despite my lack of attention to Andrea and Jorge's experience with their second child and a VBAC (you can just look that one up for yourselves--no need to go into it here), I did learn some things. Such as:
1) Remember when I said last week's birth video, in a spectacular example of understatement, had said "many women experience a stretching or burning sensation" at the moment of crowning? Well, apparently, this moment and that sensation are actually referred to as "the ring of fire." The nurse kept using this phrase with absolutely no hint of humor. She also didn't break into song. I suspect that by this phase of labor I will not have sufficient presence of mind to sing the song as a kind of musical accompaniment to the proceedings, so I'll just have to get what amusement I can out of it now. That amusement was pretty substantial.
2) We were permitted to view and handle a pair of forceps last night. All I could think is that they look like the sort of instrument James Herriot used on birthing sheep in the Yorkshire Dales. Also, they were much larger than I would have expected. They're nothing that I would care to experience internally, and I'm glad that very few doctors use them anymore.
3) I once again failed at the narrated breathing exercise. In my defense, I have a cold and I can't really breathe in through my nose at the moment. Not in my defense, I never do those exercises right even when I can breathe normally. But it was particularly difficult last night, as man-cub chose that exact time to practice high-kicking. At the very moment the nurse was murmuring about how relaxed we should be and how the baby would be quiet and relaxed as well, man-cub was bucking like a saddle bronc.
That's my boy.
I believe that's "burning ring of fire." Anyway, check with your local midwife for oils and lotions to avoid that.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for not watching the explicit birth video. I mean, no one but Jorge really needs to know Andrea that well.
ReplyDeleteI don't know who the hell felt it necessary to dub it 'the ring of fire.' I just know that childbirth would be ten times more awesome if the entire thing was Johnny-Cash-themed. Any chance you can get A to wear a black cowboy shirt with pearl buttons and sing Cocaine Blues in the corner of the room?
So THAT'S what Johnny Cash was singing about? I'm getting a bad visual here ......
ReplyDeleteI'm shaking with silent giggles at my desk. You and all of the comments are cracking me up! Now I can't get Johnny Cash singing in a birthing room out of my head =).
ReplyDeleteIs A. gonna be in the room with you? :) Is HE watching these horror flicks? Does he feel sympathy for your pain? :)
ReplyDeleteJohnny Cash is 'the man'!
word verification - 'ganth'
that is the birth order number after 12....also the number of children folks who don't watch these horror flicks want to have before the first one is concieved.
Phhht. When you need the breathing, there will be a nurse there to remind you how to do it. Don't sweat it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad man-cub cooperated and reflected your mood. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm a homebirth midwife here so I have authority to say: learned patterned breathing techniques are BUNK! Most women who try them wind up hyperventilating big time. You have breathed spontaneously your whole life - your respiratory drive is NOT going to fail you in labor. Most women do better moaning rather than "hee-ing" anyway. This is bordering on TMI I'm sure, but think of natural birthing like lovemaking. You have to be mostly naked, noisy, and uninhibited for it to go well. :) If you want a natural birth, also -- think of it more as work, not pain. You're a hard worker. It's 12-24 hours of DAMN hard work, but you're strong and a hard damn worker and you can do that. Access your instictive momma warrior self -- that same self your grandmother, and her grandmother, and her grandmother -- relied on, to birth. The same one who would fight a pack of coyotes to save her baby. Dramatic, but true. Also, remember to enjoy these final weeks of the two of you. There will come a time when little bodies abound, and you and A. look at one another and remember the good old days of just the two of you. These are the last of those -- RELISH, ENJOY. Ok, I often say that "advice unasked for is actually criticism" so I won't hail you with any more unsolicited advice, Kristin. Just sending love your way!
ReplyDeleteC.M.: Thank you for your encouragement. You want to come out from Pennsylvania to coach me?
ReplyDeleteJust kidding. I actually go to a practice that's midwifery-based, so there will be a midwife with me. But not at home, as I don't think Blackrock in February is the most comfortable place to have a baby.