Simplicity? I THINK NOT

I don't think I've introduced you to our (PAIN IN THE ASS) lawn tractor yet, have I? I don't know how I could have failed to do this, seeing as how I spend so much quality time with our (PAIN IN THE ASS) lawn tractor. Allow me to present the Simplicity.

You, sir, are a PAIN IN THE ASS

Simplicity is the brand name, not a description of what a joy it is to operate. In truth, it is a pain in the ass. In case you hadn't heard.

We bought this tractor used from a guy who overhauls old tractors. The Simplicity is at least 20 years old, so I don't know why I'm surprised that it breaks all the time. I have not once been able to just get on the thing and mow the lawn without something going wrong. First, the belt on the mower deck kept coming off. Turns out they had put the wrong-sized belt on. If you could see the rejects that work at the mower place, you would not be surprised by this.

Then, some kind of bolt on the wheel broke, rendering the steering inoperable. Good thing I wasn't going very fast (or heading towards a tree) when that happened.

Then there was the totally obvious and yet completely-unnoticed-by-me flat tire that was making me get stuck on inclines all the time. And then the belt kept coming off again, until A. tightened something and made it all better.

Just this week, the mower blades stopped with a clunk, thus shutting off the engine (safety measure, I guess). I thought I had hit something, but when I examined the underside of the mower deck carefully, I saw that a metal piece of the deck had just broken the hell off, and one of the blades had jammed on it. A. to the rescue again, this time with his cutting torch. He just cut off the piece of metal that had broken. We didn't think it was that important.

Yesterday, in the two hours or so that I mowed, I managed to get stuck once (in the woods right next to the road, so all the truckers going by had a nice spectacle to share on their CB radios), flood the engine twice, and throw the belt. Again. I got unstuck by myself, by means of a piece of plywood and some serious rocking action. Also, a very bad four-letter word that is actually twelve letters (you just started counting the letters for cuss words on your fingers, didn't you?) and that I would be ashamed to use in front of my mother (hint: it rhymes with "mother-trucker"). The engine flooding was remedied by leaving the pain in the ass alone for a half hour to un-flood and stop sulking. The belt will have to be fixed by A. I have my limits.

I think the Simplicity needs a new name. Pain in the ass is too long. So, I am appealing to my readers. Give that tractor a name. All suggestions, profane or otherwise, will be considered. You might try screaming your suggested name in a simulated fit of rage, so you can get a feel for how it will sound if I actually use it.

Let the naming begin!