Tuesday, June 10, 2008

So Not Funny

I just went down into the Pit of Despair to wash my brand-new (pretty!) comforter, and the washing machine was dirty. This isn't unusual, so I grabbed a rag and wiped out the bottom and then noticed something stuck on the side of the machine inside the tub. I thought it was a washcloth or something that had gotten left behind with the last load, and I almost reached in and grabbed it. But then I looked more closely.

It was a cluster of bats. BATS. BAAAAATS. Little rodents with pointy ears and creepy little faces. BAAAAATS. I think there were three, but I sure as fuck was not taking any closer looks at the things. I slammed the top down and went back upstairs. But then I thought, shit, what if the things wake up because it's dark and start flying around, banging themselves up in the machine and making a godawful mess?

So I called A. at work. He loves it when I call him at work to freak out about animals. And I asked him if I should open the lid so they could maybe fly out on their own, or leave it closed. And he said why don't I turn the machine on and just drown them? And I said no thanks to that. And he said yeah, just open the lid and maybe they'll fly out. And I said okay, I'll go back down and open the lid and hope they don't fly out at me. And he said forget it, leave it closed and he'd deal with it when he got home. And I said THANK YOU, YOU'RE MY HERO.

BAAAAATS. This is why I am VERY, VERY careful about closing the lid when I do laundry. There's only one other person who does laundry in this house, and she knows who she is. I hope she feels guilty about all the trauma I've gone through now. My hand was in there with them. I could have gotten rabies. VERY, VERY GUILTY.

BAAAAATS.

Update 6/11/08: The MiL redeemed herself this morning by going into the Pit of Despair in full battle dress (floral robe, cow slippers, and matching pink gardening gloves) to remove the bats. While A. and I cowered upstairs like the sissies we are. She just reached in there with a towel. And she said only one of them bared its teeth at her. GAAAAAH!

11 comments:

Drew Kime said...

I hate to contradict you, but this is in fact so very, very funny.

BTW my suggestion: Go down and start banging on the side of the washing machine with a broomstick. They scared the crap out of you, you should return the favor.




Oh, and ... BAAAAATS!

SaraPMcC said...

Holy shit. Not funny at all. I'm creeped out just hearing about it. I'd move out today.

jiveturkey said...

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATS?!?!?

YD's a little bit of everything place said...

Bats in the washing machine? How the hell did they get in there in the first place?
I like A's idea of drowning them. Bastards...I mean Bats!

Roger A. Post said...

Maybe the Pit of Despair is really the Bat Cave! Any sign of Batman and Robin prowling around?

There are plans available on the net for constructing simple pole-mounted bat houses (outdoors, well away from the Bat Cave). Providing an alternative roosting habitat might reduce the attractiveness of the cellar and attic.

As an aside, a recent study showed that bats actually consumed a greater proportion of arthropods in lowland tropical forest than did birds. Bats are our friends, at least when they are not in the washer.

Krysta said...

Oh hell no! Seriously if there are bats in the washing machine, I would have drowned their ugly asses and then make the husband dispose of the bodies. those are flying rats.

moi said...

You know, every little creature in this world has it's place...but that is mostly outside of MY place and sure as shit NOT in my washing machine. Major freak out - and I would have called A too. Not goin' to be ME grabbing those buggers outta there....

mil said...

I'm pretty sure the bats are big brown bats, and I think the ones in the washer might have been immatures. They were not in very good shape this morning. One of the three had flown out during the night; the other two were still in the washer the second time I checked--so I put a towel in to help them climb out. That didn't work, but it was handy for scooping them out. Good news: no sign of white nose syndrome. But without food during the night, I think they are probably both goners. Especially the one I put in the garbage. Note to self: Keep the lid on the garbage for a couple of days.

Ms Picket To You said...

Holy Batshit!

Anonymous said...

A's cousin Ethan here. Was just listening to a slightly depressing but great little song by the Bowerbirds that reminded me of your bat post. I will add a few of the lyrics below. Replace cockroach with bat I guess.

http://www.lyricsandsongs.com/song/882934.html

On the shore of the lake,
In the great upstate of New York,
Came the call of a loon.
Cold, cold, o'er a plume of smoke.
He spoke of the future.
He sang, "You, my friend, are alone, alone."

We live with the cockroach
And we split our cords of oak
And keep this wood stove burning
While the bitter winds are blowing.
We stow our words in the cellar
So we never lose hope,
And keep this wood fire stoked
While the bitter winds blow.

Kristin said...

Ethan, thank you for coming out of lurker-land and posting that, because that was AWESOME. So very, very appropriate. Except we prefer cords of ash to keep our wood stove going.