I remember a long, long time ago, in the distant past when I had cable, watching that show "What Not To Wear." Annoyed the shit out of me, that show. Those smug hosts pissed me off, digging through people's closets, laughing and making snide, bitchy comments about the clothes those people wear on a daily basis. I wanted to give both those patronizing bastards a boot to the head.
I don't want to give them a boot to the head now--I just want them to live a day in my life and see how well their fancy clothes fare at Blackrock.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love to dress up, and I do it pretty well when I need to. But it drives me to the brink of insanity to think that there are people watching these shows who think that their wardrobe isn't good enough because some dink on t.v. is criticizing the wearing of comfortable shoes. Real life requires real clothes sometimes, and those clothes are not always fashionable.
A short list of things that would be totally inappropriate to wear at Blackrock:
1) Three-inch spike heels. I don't care how long they make your legs look or how slenderizing they are to your figure, if you get stuck in the mud, you will not look elegant and fashionable. You will look ridiculous.
2) The perfect (and crazy expensive) black pant. (Why can't those assholes just call them pants, like everyone else? No, they must be "the black pant.") Good in theory, bad in practice when three dogs and two cats have deposited five pounds of fur on that $300 black pant.
3) A classic camisole and cardigan. Cute? Yes. Feminine? Yes. Warm enough for Blackrock? Not a gelato's chance in hell. You're better off with flannel-lined jeans and an alpaca sweater.
4) Thong underwear. You try to chase sheep in thong underwear and tell me how that works out for you.
5) Accessories. Hoop earrings and necklaces will get caught in the firewood that must be carried on a daily basis. Rings will be lost when hauling water. Tattoos are okay.
So if you ever visit me, remember--forget the dress pants. Pack the sweatpants. You'll thank me in the end.
11 comments:
I actually love What Not To Wear. I really want to get on that show, just to get the money to buy clothes that aren't a decade old. Seriously, I've been known to say "I need Stacy and Clinton" when I'm out shopping. But my sisters and I always make fun of Stacy saying "pant." That's funny stuff.
ROFL...I've got a mental picture of trying to chase sheep in a thong that just won't go away.
I've never seen the show (don't have cable) but it sounds just dreadful.
I'll take muck boots everyday of the week over 3" heels...then again I would take just about anything over 3 " heels.
I would die without my thongs. I wear them to work out, go hiking, you name it - I can't stand regular undies. I can feel them bunch up whenever I wear them during the day. They're relegated to sleepwear now.
Also, I like the show on the premise that some people really need a head check on looking like normal, productive human beings. Sure, you live on a farm - you need utilitarian clothing. But for a middle-class housewife in Ohio to spend her days in oversize t-shirts, basketball shorts, and ratty old sneakers and then wonder why her husband isn't sexually attracted to her anymore and people don't take her seriously? You have to dress the part, that's just how it goes.
You wouldn't wear spikes to feed the sheep and she shouldn't wear basketball shorts to her kids PTA meeting.
Come on people, put the sweat pants away.
Sweet Bird: There must be some kind of physical reason that some women (me) can't stand the feel of thongs, and some women (you) can't stand the feel of briefs. Because this is an issue people get very, very passionate about.
Anyway, I agree with you, there's a lot to be said for dressing your part. My part apparently now includes waterproof shoes and wool sweaters. I'm okay with that. But I still hate the hosts of that show. I think they're rude.
As much as I may have my Yard Fashion, I also have the Real Yard Work Fashion for serious business. Like taking down a Black Forest's worth of chard.
Nothing says hot AND functional like old cargo pants, long sleeves, steel toe boots, leather gloves and a doo-rag.
Anyway, I think Bubba prefers it that way.
And when it gets cold, all bets are off. I'll wear every single item of clothing I have. Regardless of the fashion statement I'm making.
Oh, and you'll never catch me in briefs. I'm a thong (or, frankly nothing) girl all the way. If I wanted a yard of fabric up my ass, I'd put it there first thing in the morning rather than letting it spend the day creeping up from behind.
So true. I have my favorite old jeans for working around the garden and they're 15 years old and they look it. But I wouldn't exchange them for a $300 pair. There's just something so great about actually wearing out a piece of clothing.
Now I must say, I would love to find the perfect "black pant" to wear to work, I can never seem to find anything that fits just right.
On to the undies - give me low-rise bikini's over thongs any day!
I used to watch the BBC version when I had to stay up late working and needed some company. I got all excited when they did a mom makeover (because boy do I need one), but instead of giving moms a good look for everyday, they went out and bought party clothes.
On the 2 or 3 occasions I've watched the show, I liked the clothes and the looks they achieved with most of the participants. But I'm with you on the condescending attitude.
As for thongs - no can do. If it ain't cotton, and if it ain't got butt coverage, I won't wear it.
I've only seen that show a couple of times. During the part where they are ripping the person's favorite old clothes from their hands and tossing them in the garbage, I'm thinking "Ooh! can I have that?"
On the BBC version they gave a woman who raises horses velvet or satin (some rediculous fabric) jeans/pants. Supposedly for her nights out. She wore them to the barn. She was pissed that they did not "get" her. I applauded her. We do not all live in the city, with a 9-5 office job, then go out to clubs or fancy restaurants for dinner.
Some of us work in a casual office where we work at a desk and in a mailroom, moving boxes. We do cattle chores before we leave for work. We cook real food for our families and we live in chilly old farm houses.
Some of us do not look good in sleeveless or spaghetti straps and VSecret supplies my needs for sexy, but supportive undergarments.
I love Stacy & Clinton but before I put myself in their hands, they have to survive a week in my chore boots.
the odd thing is: none of those work in my world either.
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