Confessions of a Non-Foodie

After reading the last couple of posts* about all the fancy, locally-grown, la-di-da dinners we've been having, I was struck with the tremendous urge to give myself a boot to the head. I sounded . . . pretentious (except for the part where I told you that I let our dogs do the initial clean-up of some dishes. Not so pretentious, that. Also, perhaps TMI.). I hate pretentiousness in all forms, and especially when it's food-related. And while it is true that we generally eat very, very well, there are always the exceptions. So I'm here to give you the no-holds-barred, partially hydrogenated, ugly truth about some of my own vices when it comes to food and food-like substances.

I think you know what I mean when I say "food-like." These are the things that we know damn well are not healthy by any standard (except maybe the standard that applies when attending The Great New York State Fair, where corn dogs seem like the most balanced meal ever. Hey, they have corn in them--that's a vegetable!). They will also probably make us feel a little sick later. But nausea be damned! I will have my partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and high fructose corn syrup!

Case in point: White Cheddar Cheez-Its. I do not know what that white powder is on those little crackers, but I suspect crack. It's the best explanation I have for my absolute inability to eat less than half a box at a time.

And when I was younger, my favorite sandwich was white bread, iceberg lettuce, mayonnaise, and potato chips--and not on the side, either. There is not one nutritionally redeeming ingredient in that sandwich. (Thanks, Mom and Dad! Don't worry, you made up for it later with prunes and flax seed oil.) I have not had this sandwich in many years, and I'm afraid to make one, for fear that I will discover that it is still absolutely DELICIOUS and I must have one every day.

Also, though margarine is considered a travesty by A. and the MiL, both of whom are products of God's Dairy Country here in upstate New York, I still like the taste of it. And I KNOW it's like 3 molecules away from plastic and those picky little bugs won't eat it if it's left out next to butter. Who cares? It's so deliciously salty. And easy to spread right out of the container, unlike our butter, which is often the consistency of Ivory soap.

But enough about me. Now that I've unburdened my soul, please, tell me your secret food vices. Ding-dongs? Slim Jims? Pork rinds? Cheez Whiz? And if you're planning on saying something like, "A perfect, luscious strawberry," you will force me to call BULLSHIT on you, because I KNOW there's something out there that you will stuff your face with when no one's watching, and it ain't fresh fruit.

Maybe you'll introduce me to some absolutely fabulous, nutrient-empty treat I've been missing out on all this time. I'm open to suggestions--I think I'm almost out of Cheez-Its.

*J. dropped by last night to give us more fish, brown trout this time. You see I was not lying when I said he fishes ALL THE DAMN TIME.