Friday, May 16, 2008

Confessions of a Non-Foodie

After reading the last couple of posts* about all the fancy, locally-grown, la-di-da dinners we've been having, I was struck with the tremendous urge to give myself a boot to the head. I sounded . . . pretentious (except for the part where I told you that I let our dogs do the initial clean-up of some dishes. Not so pretentious, that. Also, perhaps TMI.). I hate pretentiousness in all forms, and especially when it's food-related. And while it is true that we generally eat very, very well, there are always the exceptions. So I'm here to give you the no-holds-barred, partially hydrogenated, ugly truth about some of my own vices when it comes to food and food-like substances.

I think you know what I mean when I say "food-like." These are the things that we know damn well are not healthy by any standard (except maybe the standard that applies when attending The Great New York State Fair, where corn dogs seem like the most balanced meal ever. Hey, they have corn in them--that's a vegetable!). They will also probably make us feel a little sick later. But nausea be damned! I will have my partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and high fructose corn syrup!

Case in point: White Cheddar Cheez-Its. I do not know what that white powder is on those little crackers, but I suspect crack. It's the best explanation I have for my absolute inability to eat less than half a box at a time.

And when I was younger, my favorite sandwich was white bread, iceberg lettuce, mayonnaise, and potato chips--and not on the side, either. There is not one nutritionally redeeming ingredient in that sandwich. (Thanks, Mom and Dad! Don't worry, you made up for it later with prunes and flax seed oil.) I have not had this sandwich in many years, and I'm afraid to make one, for fear that I will discover that it is still absolutely DELICIOUS and I must have one every day.

Also, though margarine is considered a travesty by A. and the MiL, both of whom are products of God's Dairy Country here in upstate New York, I still like the taste of it. And I KNOW it's like 3 molecules away from plastic and those picky little bugs won't eat it if it's left out next to butter. Who cares? It's so deliciously salty. And easy to spread right out of the container, unlike our butter, which is often the consistency of Ivory soap.

But enough about me. Now that I've unburdened my soul, please, tell me your secret food vices. Ding-dongs? Slim Jims? Pork rinds? Cheez Whiz? And if you're planning on saying something like, "A perfect, luscious strawberry," you will force me to call BULLSHIT on you, because I KNOW there's something out there that you will stuff your face with when no one's watching, and it ain't fresh fruit.

Maybe you'll introduce me to some absolutely fabulous, nutrient-empty treat I've been missing out on all this time. I'm open to suggestions--I think I'm almost out of Cheez-Its.

*J. dropped by last night to give us more fish, brown trout this time. You see I was not lying when I said he fishes ALL THE DAMN TIME.


Sarah S. said...

I love cheeseits. I like the BIG ones. Cheetoes are also one of my favorites, Yummmmmmm. Though the orange powder covering them, What is that? I don't care I still love them :) I also secretly love velveta ;)

The Constant C said...

I also really love margarine. Sometime butter tastes so... animally. Like cow udder smells. Shudder. Besides, who wants bugs in their food?

Lately (I'm blaming the rainy 40 degree mornings) I've had a thing for hot chocolate, too. This wouldn't be so bad if I made it from scratch, but I don't drink milk, so we don't have any (any that's within date, anyway). I've been reconstituting "hot chocolate" packets instead, which Mark swears is all chemical.

Drew Kime said...

El Rio Nacho Cheese Sauce.

It's cheese! In a can!

Well, it's in a can anyway. Pour a can of this and a quart of chili over a plate of nachos and settle into the couch with the remote and a roll of paper towels.

Oh! And a fresh batch of onion dip, made from sour cream and Lipton Onion Soup Mix!

Oh dear God, you've made me so hungry ... for nachos ... at nine-twenty-damn-seven in the A.M.

SaraPMcC said...

OK, I used to babysit a former boss' kid who used to split a box of cheese crackers with me every time I was there (although I'm pretty sure we left a little bit in the box for show). And my grandmother used to have Jax every time we were there, and a whole bag was gone at one sitting (anyone else like those way better than Cheetos?). So, basically anything with cheese, I guess. I actually do avoid HFCS in everything...except Cool Whip. That's a big vice. Although I do try to dip fruit in it, especially a perfect, luscious strawberry.

YDavis said...

Cheese puffs, I love them very very much!!! I also like Cheetoes, I found the cheddar and jalapeno flavors a few months ago, totally addicted to them and of course i can't find them anymore. Hate when they do that, they tease you with new flavors and then stop making them.

Chris said...

Cream-filled long john doughnuts with maple frosting from our local grocery store bakery. We walk to the store (all of a half mile) and delude ourselves into thinking this means we should be rewarded.

Also, the pink and white frosted circus animal cookies with little sprinkles. I don't have them. Ever. Because, if I did, I'd have them all the time.

The Barber Bunch said...

Little Debbie Nutty Bars.

I think the main ingredient is crack because I can't control myself when they are around.


Ms Picket To You said...

peanut m&ms by the handful out of the biggest bag they sell. and i don't share so don't bother asking for any.

moi said...

Nutella on graham crackers....just spoonfulls of fat on a cookie. And, I had a nutella crepe once that makes me drool just thinking about it. And fritos scooped full of cream cheese. I haven't dared that one since college 'cause I will eat the ENTIRE BAG and BAR OF CHEESE. And then my pants would expolde..

Krysta said...

little debbie nutty bars, dr. pepper, wafer cookies, nutella and peanut butter together, mint milano cookies, spicy crispy chicken sandwich from jack in the box with curly fries.

Anonymous said...

I love ramen. Chicken-flavored ramen. I could eat it for every meal, even though I'm aware it's basically salt water and [low-quality] noodles. Seriously, can't the good people at Maruchan fortify that shit with vitamins or something? ANYTHING to make me feel better about eating it?!?

goatlady said...

I just found you blog and thought I would comment here.
I love plain M&Ms. I buy the big bag and they only last me a week. The money I could save if I didn't eat these little jems.