Thursday, July 10, 2008

Simplicity? I THINK NOT

I don't think I've introduced you to our (PAIN IN THE ASS) lawn tractor yet, have I? I don't know how I could have failed to do this, seeing as how I spend so much quality time with our (PAIN IN THE ASS) lawn tractor. Allow me to present the Simplicity.


You, sir, are a PAIN IN THE ASS


Simplicity is the brand name, not a description of what a joy it is to operate. In truth, it is a pain in the ass. In case you hadn't heard.

We bought this tractor used from a guy who overhauls old tractors. The Simplicity is at least 20 years old, so I don't know why I'm surprised that it breaks all the time. I have not once been able to just get on the thing and mow the lawn without something going wrong. First, the belt on the mower deck kept coming off. Turns out they had put the wrong-sized belt on. If you could see the rejects that work at the mower place, you would not be surprised by this.

Then, some kind of bolt on the wheel broke, rendering the steering inoperable. Good thing I wasn't going very fast (or heading towards a tree) when that happened.

Then there was the totally obvious and yet completely-unnoticed-by-me flat tire that was making me get stuck on inclines all the time. And then the belt kept coming off again, until A. tightened something and made it all better.

Just this week, the mower blades stopped with a clunk, thus shutting off the engine (safety measure, I guess). I thought I had hit something, but when I examined the underside of the mower deck carefully, I saw that a metal piece of the deck had just broken the hell off, and one of the blades had jammed on it. A. to the rescue again, this time with his cutting torch. He just cut off the piece of metal that had broken. We didn't think it was that important.

Yesterday, in the two hours or so that I mowed, I managed to get stuck once (in the woods right next to the road, so all the truckers going by had a nice spectacle to share on their CB radios), flood the engine twice, and throw the belt. Again. I got unstuck by myself, by means of a piece of plywood and some serious rocking action. Also, a very bad four-letter word that is actually twelve letters (you just started counting the letters for cuss words on your fingers, didn't you?) and that I would be ashamed to use in front of my mother (hint: it rhymes with "mother-trucker"). The engine flooding was remedied by leaving the pain in the ass alone for a half hour to un-flood and stop sulking. The belt will have to be fixed by A. I have my limits.

I think the Simplicity needs a new name. Pain in the ass is too long. So, I am appealing to my readers. Give that tractor a name. All suggestions, profane or otherwise, will be considered. You might try screaming your suggested name in a simulated fit of rage, so you can get a feel for how it will sound if I actually use it.

Let the naming begin!

12 comments:

Tina Post said...

Ooo, this is too fun. I have to think. My first reaction, of course, was to suggest "Motherf*cker"--but there's too much call for this in other circumstances. Also, I think the name should have something to do with its AWESOME color scheme...

On an unrelated front, thank you for being the one updated blog when I arrive at work at 8 A.M. It's nice to ease into my day.

YD, sometimes with ♥June and ♥Angel Samantha said...

I was going to say "Motherf***er" but Constant C beat me to it.

How about "Numbnuts"? or "mother-trucker"?

Anonymous said...

Well, there's always the time-tested South Park classic: Uncle-f*cker

Or there are more mower-related options:

1) Mow-tard
2) Grass-hole
3) Cracktor

MsPicketToYou said...

Mr. Jack-Grass.

Tina Post said...

Ok, there are better ones up here that are less punning and more satisfying to say. But I can resist: The OrAngina.

(Sorry, I work with words all day. It ruins good sense.)

It's me said...

sö´nder
Swedish for broken, in pieces (Sounds a bit like thunder)

Practice saying it sounding like the Swedish Chef. or go here to hear it http://www2.hhs.se/isa/swedish/9-70.wav

Why? I'm a swede by heritage and just like to name things in that vein. We named out motor home "Stigander" which is swedish for wander/wanderer.

me again said...

How 'bout the KrappyKart? And to go with it you need a bright orange teeshirt emblazoned with the KrappyKart name in big black letters, to wear while you're on the beast......
--Lennie

coffee and queso said...

Well, I'm too tired to come up with anything new, but I rather like jiveturkey's Cracktor! That one's got my vote.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, we could always call it what it is...junk, scrap or better yet toaster as in if it doesn't behave in the future you'll turn it into a toaster.

moi said...

We do refer to some clients as "PITA" clients. Same vein, but perhaps you would feel a little silly yelling at the crap heap mentioning a flat bread.....Because your image is important on the farm.

krysta said...

my daughter has a words for bitch she says bocci ball.so call the lawn tractor bocci... like he's your bocci... you gotta own it!

Anonymous said...

I have the same problems with our lawn tractor, plus electrical mysteries that make eat batteries.
And we bought it new. For about 30 times what my first car cost.