Tuesday, April 8, 2008

It's Electric!

Just typing that title made me flash back to every 8th grade graduation party I attended and doing the Electric Slide at each and every one of them. But today's post is not about Awkward Social Occasions of My Youth--it's about my dogs. Again. And my husband.

There is a very busy road running right in front of our house that separates the house from the lakeshore. That lakeshore is a magnet for our two youngest dogs. I'm sure there are lots of rotting carcasses and squirrels down there, so I guess I can see the appeal, if I were a dog. But of course, they have to cross this road to get to the lakeshore, and this road features a whole lot of traffic of the semi-truck variety. We've had several close calls with these dogs, and more than one family dog in the past has been killed on the road, so we've been trying for a long time now to find a way to keep them from going down there. Short of locking them in their pen all the time, which is what I have to do to keep them from running to the road as soon as my back is turned.

Here's where the husband comes in. We have electric fencing around a good portion of our property, and this is greatly feared by the dogs. Which is a good thing. They only need one shock to know that it hurts to try to run to the neighbors', and maybe it would be less painful to stay around the house. But of course, we can't run the fence across our driveway. Or can we?

A. came home from work yesterday all but rubbing his hands in glee about a fabulous idea he'd had on the way home. It's frightening, really, what an evil genius he is. Here's what he did: He ran a single electric wire across the driveway, about 8 inches off the ground. And then, to make sure the dogs didn't just jump over it without getting the shock that would scare them, he threaded salami through the wire.

Imagine, if you will, that you are one of our dogs. You realize all the humans are in the house, so you stroll casually down the driveway toward the road. At the bottom, your nose picks up a scent. Could it be? SALAMI! And look! It's suspended in mid-air, just at nose height! So you decide a snack is in order before your frolic on the beach. And you open your mouth, bite down on that delicious luncheon meat, and . . . HOLY SHIT! IT'S ELECTRIFIED SALAMI!

We didn't actually witness the triumph of what A. calls "the deterrent," but we're pretty sure it happened something like that. A. walked down the driveway to get the paper this morning, and those dogs didn't even follow to the front of the house, much less down the driveway. Not that they're permanently scarred or anything, because they were playing nicely outside this morning. But they sure as hell weren't playing down by the road. Obviously, we can't leave the wire up all the time, since people are always driving into our driveway to turn around or whatever. But I don't think the dogs will go close enough to find out that the wire is down.

I thought twice about posting this today, since I had commented on another site about being a dog lover and I was afraid people would jump to this site to read some heart-warming story about Lassie (see a few days ago for that one) and instead they get Electrified Salami. But we did this because we love our dogs and would rather shock them a couple of times than see them smeared on the pavement by a semi. So Electrified Salami, you did good work. And A., I salute you. This time you got to use your powers for both good and evil. But I think the good won out.

6 comments:

jiveturkey said...

I'm glad I don't live near you, because my love for salami is such that you'd be de-tangling my electrified body from your salami-encrusted wire every morning. Although it might be a very effective way to break me of my processed-meat habit.

Kristin said...

I'm seeing all KINDS of marketing angles here. It could be revolutionary for the weight-loss industry. Though it might take more than a little electricity to keep me away from cake.

Roger A. Post said...

You might suggest to A. that sufficiently long coil springs (small-diameter, as on rural screen doors in the mid-20th century) at each end of the wire across the drive might allow one to drive over the wire, momentarily depressing it to the ground before it again sprang into action.

The Barber Bunch said...

We do what we gotta do to keep our Fur Babies safe!

SaraPMcC said...

I have to tell you that when I read the title of this post, I sang it. It reminded me of many bar and bat mitzvahs. Anyway, I'm glad my niece and nephew don't live near you; they love salami.

Rae said...

Omg. Laughed my butt off. I had to follow the link from your most recent post, and the salami story is hilarious! I'm with ya on the necessity of hotwire. We love our pups too, and they have learned all about hotwire. I think a little shock now and then is faaaaaaar preferable to them being hit by a car. Nice work!