Hello, poppets. How was your Sunday? Good? That's good. Me? What did I do yesterday? Oh, you know. Helped A. dock the lambs' tails, put together the new reel mower, helped A. build a gate . . . smashed the SHIT out of my thumb.
And then I said a really bad word that starts with "f." Trust me, you would have, too.
There I was, showing A. how if you wanted to actually drive the nails all the way into the hardwood without bending them and then swearing and pulling them out and starting over EVERY TIME, you had to hold the nail. "Just hold it, and tap it," went my tutorial. "Keep holding it, don't be afraid of the hammer, just . . . " SMASH went the hammer on my left thumb.
I should have been afraid of the hammer.
A moment of calm, and then the blood started. This is also when the profanities started, as I ran for the house dripping blood in my wake, with A. right behind me.
I stuck my hand under the faucet so I could wash away the blood and see what had happened. Apparently, I had hit a glancing blow on my thumbnail, causing the nail to separate at the cuticle all along one side*. It wasn't pretty--the whole nail was already turning black, in fact--and it was bleeding a lot. A. threw a dish towel at me, which I wrapped around the gushing thumb, held tight with my other hand, and held high, remembering from somewhere (Girl Scouts? TV? who the hell knows) that you're supposed to elevate bleeding wounds above the heart to stop the blood flow. And apply pressure.
Just call me Dr. Kristin.
Just call me Dr. Kristin.
So I held my thumb up in the dish towel and paced around and around the kitchen table (I will also admit to a few tears at this point, because the pain started to hit right about now) while A. ran around like a character in a Marx Brothers film, looking for first aid supplies. He found medical tape, and some Betedine, which is a surgical scrub for veterinarians. Whatever--I'm an animal, who cares. What he did NOT find, however, was any gauze. So he cut a square off from the dish towel already on my hand, and bandaged me with that. Swell.
Then he made me sit down, and he hovered over me , practically wringing his hands and offering me a cup of tea at least a dozen times. I, however, being understandably irritable, didn't want any damn tea, thank you. I wanted lunch. And I wanted some gauze. So we drove to the nearest town with a store that might stock gauze, 15 minutes away, and my thumb and I went along because ALSO in this town is a seasonal ice cream stand that had opened for the season just recently. THANK GOD. So I dosed myself with chicken tenders and french fries and a strawberry ice cream cone. It didn't do much for the thumb, but it made me feel better.
In case you wish to know how my thumb feels, as the other members of my house do on a regular basis, let me tell you: It feels like I smashed the shit out of it with a hammer. That is to say, it REALLY, REALLY HURTS. And I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose the nail. And I typed this whole thing with one hand.
On the upside, it's going to be a long time before I can do dishes again. So there is that.
* A. later described it this way, with a touch of awe in his voice, "I've never seen anything like it. It's like your thumb EXPLODED." Indeed.
20 comments:
Didn't the lambs need gauze for their tails??? Sorry your thumb exploded but glad you found the ice cream cure.
OW OW OWWWW. I am getting all skin-crawly just thinking about the exploding thumb. Was it one of those things where you smashed it with the hammer then had that half-second of absolutely NO pain (and the thought, "This is going to hurt like a bitch in like, half a second.") and then OWWWWWWWWWWWW.
I prescribe more ice cream and a lengthy cuddling session with the puppies.
I'm amazed at your control. I used "S-o-B" when I cut myself with my big knife and it was a little cut compared to your poor thumb.
Funny how men just cannot handle this kind of thing.
And I was just as crabby to my Farmer.
And no ice cream for me. :oc
Ok, that wasn't funny until your thumb EXPLODED. I must admit that made me laugh. Hope it feels better soon!
Holy crap. My thumb hurts just reading about that. At least you got ice cream! And you got out of dish duty for now...yay! Still, I think more ice cream is in order.
only 2 bad words? Thats not so bad.
Or did you say them over and over?
I too find that ice cream helps.
I got light headed just reading about it. Holy crap! Me? I would have had to lie on the sofa with my feet up and have A bring me tea and cookies all day long. For about a week.
No dishes is excellent, though!
First, from what you've said of A in the past I'm surprised there wasn't already a well-stocked first aid kit in a convenient location.
Second, as to the language, Redd Foxx once said, "If you say you don't curse, meet me in the parking lot after the show and I'll slam your hand in my car door. You will say 'Fuck!'"
Third, a tip: if the thumbnail is black and throbbing like a bitch, you've got blood pooled up under there causing pressure. Straighten out a paper clip and, holding it with a pair of pliers, heat it in the flame from your stove until it is red hot. Press it against the center of the nail and melt a hole through it. As soon as it melts through -- don't press too hard or you'll jam it right into the tender flesh underneath -- pull it out and the blood will drain. A moment of intense pain (assuming you went into the flesh underneath, like I've done all three times I've done this) followed by instant relief.
Susan: No gauze for the lambs. If you must know, the tail stubs get cauterized with a heating element immediately after docking.
J.T.: Actually, I didn't even register the blow as anything too bad. I hurt myself a lot when I'm working, so it wasn't all that unusual. There WAS that second of no feeling at all, but then the next thing was the blood. The pain didn't come until a couple of minutes later.
Krissy: Yeah, pretty much those two over and over. Although most of the time, it was more gasping and moaning to myself.
Drew: We do have a convenient first aid kit. With no gauze in it at the moment. Handy! And I did read about that thing with burning through the nail to release the pressure (EEEEEE!!), but I won't have to do that (THANK GOD) because the nail pretty much busted open all along the seam, as it were. So the blood is leaking out and not building up under the nail.
This is all SO MUCH FUN, isn't it, y'all?
Believe it or not, it's the smell that really gets to you.
Ouch!! I'm glad you didn't need stitches. I think. I recommend anti-inflammatories, ice, and elevation. Ah, yes, and alcohol so you can sleep tonight.
I had to laugh at the exploding thumb comment, too. Guys.
However - yay on not being able to do dishes. I don't have a dishwasher and there are times when I just CANNOT face doing dishes again. Ugh.
And isn't it amazing how we take our bodies for granted until we injure some part of them? And then all of the million and one things that we just DO under normal circumstances become exercises in logic, or patience, or gratitude.
Oh Kristin! I feel your pain - really I do. Last year I smashed all four fingers of my left hand in between the sections of our garage door. The house was under construction and the door wasn't operational yet, so I thought I'd just slip my fingers in that crack and push it down to close the door...yeah the whole thing closed like a vice and I yelled "FUCK" so loud I'm sure it echoed for an hour. The door had to be lifted up by a contractor to get my fingers out. I've never done anything so painful in my life...I hope that your thumb feels better soon. There's nothing like a little bourbon and ice cream to ease the pain! ;)
oh shit kristin... to state the obvious that had to hurt...
i laughed so hard not at your pain but at...
"Then he made me sit down, and he hovered over me , practically wringing his hands and offering me a cup of tea at least a dozen times. I, however, being understandably irritable, didn't want any fucking tea, thank you. I wanted lunch. And I wanted some gauze."
shit. it sounds like me and my husband.
Hmmm, that just gave me an idea for a family christmas gift. extra stocked first aid kits.
I think I'm going to throw up. I kind of wish I hadn't read this, except I did like the bit about A. wringing his hands and offering tea. And then I got to the exploding part and wanted to throw up again. Maybe not a nursing career.
Oh priceless.
A classic "Watch and learn" moment gone painfully awry.
I'm glad you got to have chicken fingers and ice cream though. That would make me feel better, too.
Although the swearing would have been my first salve. Obviously.
So, what's the recovery like on this and how many G&Ts do you get every day to, you know, soothe the pain? I vote for no fewer than 3.
You know, appropriate use of swear words takes linguistic skill. Seriously, there are levels and sometimes when the wrong profanity is used in a given situation I get annoyed. I am utterly certain that FUCK was the proper response here, Kristin. Poor you! I once slammed my fingers in the heavy-metallic automatically slamming door of an operating room and I hear ya -- it's BLINDING type pain. Couldn't speak, think, react at all. Advil 800 mg every 6 hours helps a lot. And I second the recommendation for some alcohol too. Fer sure.
Sorry to hear about your exploding thumb Kristin. Since I was present when my dad put an electric drill-bit through his thumb (I mean, you could see through his thumb afterwards) I can sort of understand where A. was coming from with the frenzied Marx impersonation. It's hard to stay composed when somebody you care about is cursing and flailing blood everywhere.
I am of the opinion that time and chicken tenders heal all wounds, however. More french fries, stat!
I just happened across this post! And I am curious..did anyone in earshot get to learn new words? I love to teach people new words when stuff like that happens to me (yes, it happens to me...it's never my fault!)
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